By Kenneth Cloke

What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a way of releasing ourselves from the pain we have experienced at the hands of others. It is a release from judgment, including our judgment of ourselves.

Forgiveness is not Condemnation. Forgiveness does not mean you agree with what the other person did to you. It does not mean you can change what happened or erase what they did. What’s done is done. All you can do is release yourself.

Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else, but to free YOURSELF from the continuation of pain and anger. It is a gift to your peace of mind, your self esteem, your relationships with others, your future.

Forgiveness is Freeing. Forgiveness is the act of releasing yourself from the consequences of your own false expectations. The purpose of Forgiveness is to free yourself from the entanglements of the past, to reestablish control over your life by letting go of unpleasant events and people and reconnect with a healthy, positive direction. Holding on to anger and shame is unhealthy. Releasing it is freeing.

Forgiveness is in Our Control. Forgiveness cannot be forced or coerced, it can only be given freely. It is a power each of us has independently of others. It is a choice.

Forgiveness Releases US from Self Destruction. Anger hurts not only those it is directly at, but those who wield it as well. By not forgiving the person who wronged us, we continue to inflict on ourselves the pain they created.

Forgiveness Requires US to Give Up Suffering. Oscar Wilde said that suffering is a gift. It is also a need. Forgiveness requires that we let go of our need to be pitied, our need to be right, and out need to feel an intense connection with our tormentor through anger.

Forgiveness Means Taking Responsibility for Choices. Forgiveness is a choice that requires us to take responsibility for our actions and feelings. It requires us to be responsible to and for ourselves, even for our pain and humiliation. It means being responsible for the choices we make, including the choice of anger and the choice of Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is Powerful. Anger appears powerful, but leaves us feeling frustrated and powerless. Forgiveness, which appears weak, leaves us feeling stronger and less vulnerable to others.

Forgiveness is Easy. Most of us have not learned techniques to reach Forgiveness, but we know it begins with in the heart. All one needs to begin is to WANT to be released from the past. The other person need not be present, though it is better if they are. Forgiveness is seeing the other person and ourselves without judgment.

What is Involved in Forgiveness? Forgiveness takes place in five basic steps:
1) Remembering in detail what happened and how it made you feel
2) Understanding the other person, hearing what they thought happened and how they felt as they experienced it
3) Identifying the reasons that prevent you from reaching Forgiveness, your expectations of how you would have liked them to have acted
4) Choosing to accept responsibility for your life and choosing to release yourself from your expectations and the reasons that keep you from Forgiving.
5) Creating a ritual act of release, of letting go and forgiving, as for example, shaking hands, burning lists of what the others person did wrong.

After Forgiveness comes reconciliation, the ability to be in the presence of the other person without feeling angry or vulnerable. It is the highest point of healing. Reconciliation may or may not take place following forgiveness, since it requires direct contact with the other person to eliminate old patterns and create a basis for healthy emotional interaction.